MBA HumorABC for MBAs
 

Stuff you don't learn at Harvard

Real-life lessons for MBA students

 

Management Humor | Business Humor | MBA Humor

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15 Ways to Know You're Dating an MBA

1. Calls the first month of your relationship a "preliminary assessment period.".

2. Talks to the waiter about process flows when dinner arrives late.

3. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation..

4. Your Valentine's Day card has bullet points..

5. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win.".

6. Decides to re-org your family into a "team-based organization.".

7. Refers to your date as "testing marketing methods..."

 8. Writes executive summaries on your love letters.

9. Ends the argument you have by saying "let's talk about this offline." .

10. Refers to you as "my co-CEO."

11. Insist you do market research before getting pregnant.

12. Says your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.

13. Asks the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

14. Gives constructive feedback to your dog.

15. Conducts a performance review after having had sex with you.

 

 Business Strategy

 

Business Strategy

 

 

The 3 biggest

Corporate Lies:

  1. We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.

  2. People are our greatest resource.

  3. We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

Case Study #2:

Ambition

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

 

Q: What can we learn from this?

 

A: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

 

MBA Exam Questions through the Ages

1950 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
1960 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, which makes for a cost of $80. What is his profit?
1970 - A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
1980 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
1990 - By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
1995 - By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
2000 - A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan, and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

2004 - Explain how the relationship between the ethical responsibility of the logging businesses and that of their individual and collective members ultimately rides on theories of moral agency. Under what circumstances could lumbering wood be regarded as corporate social responsible behavior?

Nothing will happen no matter how long you keep your mouse here
 
 

Remember this!

 

Money

 

 

Everything you Need to Know about the Corporate World

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize.

 

A Dead Horse: Real-Life Reflections On Business Strategy

During your MBA course, you probably learned that when you discover your company is riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount as quickly as possible. However, in real-life business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

 

 

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2013, ABC for MBAs - Management Humor - Business Humor - MBA Humor - Last updated: 2013-06-30

 

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